While everyone hates writing FCAT essays...

While everyone hates writing FCAT essays, especially when they deal with something as boring as “What did you and your grandmother do over the holidays?” I have never had to worry about feeling STOOpid (Yes, I spell “stupid” phonetically. Don’t even try to tell me I misspelled a synonym of imbecile) as other people do when presented with this topic for the following reason.
My Bubbie is cooler than yours.
Oh, you don’t believe me?
Okay, when was the last time your Bubbie took you out for Italian food and cappuccinos and then taught you a new language AND how to make your own clothes?
And after she finished showing me family recipes and pictures of her family from the nineteen-thirties, the two of us set out on a mission to find blue and pink wool to make synthetic dreadlocks.
And to think that most old ladies are appalled by the fact that cool hair does exist in the world and, contrary to the popular over-fifty belief, it does not exist in the form of helmet-hair.

One day I went to Bubbie’s apartment after we went out to lunch. She showed me how to knit and taught me some useful Yiddish phrases such as “May you grow like an onion, with your head in the ground” and “go drown yourself”.
We talked about everything from her parents and our family to Bush and Vietnam and the possibility of another military draft.
(Small talk is for uptight snobs who could care less how you’re doing in school. We get right to the real conversations.)

It is for this reason that I look forward to January every year. Because my Bubbie is so totally better than your granny’s poodle-toting, over-perfumed, Bush-voting tukis and that’s the truth. :-p tthbptt!